Round 7...Ding Dong the Dork is Gone!!!

Not going to say much about Wednesday except it's Country night and as I fast forward to the end I run into SHAKIRA??? Not only Shakira, but two dancing hippies? Out of the blue, Russ Burrows comes out to finish the song with her. This is just random. We have 10 minutes to fill so let's get the hot Columbian chick who hardly speaks a lick of English, SHAKIRA...perfect!!

AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, that is the sound of angels singing, clouds parting and heaven shining down...Shioban has finally been found out as the poser of the season! GOOD RIDDANCE to the little spaz!!! I'm doing a jig as I write this entry!

Let's read how Shioban was finally brought down to her knobby knees....

Tuesday night and tensions are high as Sea-Monster introduces the Paint Salesman, the Teenager, the Glassblower, the Mother, the Father and the Construction worker. Wow, what a sad bunch of la-hooooosers! Add an Indian and we have this bunch....

Country night, YEEE HAAAW! Shania seems to be taking the cheating of her rat bastard husband with her slank (slut+skank) of a best friend, quite well. The best way to get back at someone is to look as smokin' as she did tonight.

First up..."Personality of Paint Drying"...Chose my favorite S.T. tune, so to me he came out swingin'. Pitchy, dressed like a Mortician and showing he's hands down the most lifeless contestant in years. Lee is just lucky that when he sings, he rocks.

Wow, that thick Kunuck-ian accent just kills me. I thought Celine was from the backwoods but Shania is a true hick. Still hot, giving Cowboy Troy tips. I liked it. Whatever. Do you think he realized he was singing a song she wrote about her scumbag after he left her? No wonder she was so upset listening to this song...have you seen the beast he left her for?? You would cry too

It was so crazy watching Shania Twain sing a duet with her good friend Faith Hill in the Idol studio. I thought Faith was better than we had seen her in weeks. Shania was concerned about the boys but so far I think they are all killing it with these sappy lyrics of heartache and sorrow. Shania and her toad faced pal were obviously turned on by this performance judging by their reaction.

Why, oh why do the Idol stylists try to make the white Tracy Chapman into a future Rock of Love contestant? Crystal will definitely get a Wal-mart endorsement when this is over.

Crystal worried about her boyfriend ( I think he's the panhandler on Michigan and Erie) popping the question. I think once you sign a contract and buy your own ring, he's all yours sweetheart. She was a snooze fest tonight.

Sorry Teena Brandon, you are getting sacked. BOR-ING. Wait, hold the frickin' phone...he just mentioned singing this for his mom and almost cried. DAMN, he's safe. Side note, after he said he sang it for his mom, I rewound the song and I thought it was very creepy. Singing about being held by momma, ewwwwww.

Knowing America's voting habits, I'm guessing the tears just cost Cowboy Troy his spot.

Wait, once again, the Commish jumped the gun. Shioban SUCKED Cowboy Cajones!! Shioban, let's be honest, I'm guessing you are the most annoying person at your school and would take just about any "man" to make him "mine". Why the judges thought this was so outstanding is BEYOND me...It was boring and the screech is so tired. UGGGGG!

America, this is an open letter of thanks for finally ditching this nerd.

Bless you.

Round 6...Idol gives back and we give Tim back to Salt Lake City

Hard to rip on this episode seeing as it does great things for many people. Doesn't mean the finalists aren't fair game so don't expect me to be THAT nice!


-Queen Latifah looks FANTASTIC...not sure why Sea-monster started talking ghetto style whenever he encountered someone of color. Odd.

-NOOOOO, I thought we had rid ourselves of Didi and Mexi Gokey for good! The Angels, I mean Idols, enter center stage and sing a song I had never heard as Lee and Niki slow dance. Awkward.

-Commish sheds some tears as Jen Garner does a story on Appalachia and baby Brenda.

-Ryan calls Lee out for being a cry baby....pretty damn funny.

-Fast forward, more tears (this is tough stuff); fast forward; Casey and Aaron at the bottom (duh); back to Queen, fast forward; a duet with a legend and an English floozy; potty break; Mr. Sulu; Morgan Freeman (the man!); yep more damn waterworks about a kid getting dowsed with gas by a FRIEND (seriously???); give props to the inventor of DVR; Octo-mom sighting; Common's fine ass; Carrie Underwood's fine ass (right? she looks great!); Lance Bass, oh, it's Ellen, doing another depressing piece on hunger....I'm going to look like hell tomorrow; Rocky Dennis' piece that is pretty much putting me over the edge, get me a Wellbutrin stat!; rich people talking; fast forward, fast forward; WAIT, is it David Cook??? Rewind, rewind; sings for the kids with a fellow ginger; steals my heart..again..sigh; HOLY HELL, my heart JUST broke in two watching the little 7 year old girl with AIDS; honestly, at this point, who cares who you boot...just do it; WAIT, hold the phone, a happy ending, the little girl is alive and well???; Glacier Cowell shows his sweet side; and finally we are ending this on a happy note; that note being Tim is finally GONE!




Let's recap a night that was easier to mock...

Snow-crest ande the 7 dorks enter the smokey stage...Hottie, Shorty, Tubby, Lucky, Stinky, Muffy, Creepy and Mc-Lovin all look like they are about to wet themselves as the judges stare deeply into their numb-skulls. The wicked witch (Kara) looks like she's just had a shag in the forest with the dashing prince (Ellen), while Randy said "screw it" and gorged himself on an entire apple orchard, not stopping at one as instructed. Simon wants the whole damn "fairytale" over so he can move on to his next classic.



Hottie starts the show with the classic "Don't Stop", exactly what I would like to be saying to Casey in another sort of situation...my apologies, I digress. Another average performance from Jon Benet. He had his harem of whores in the audience, none of them being above a 4; average, just like the performance.


Muff-kin somehow grew that awful mess back over the past 7 days and failed to gain any sort of personality. I don't know if he's in a funk because his Mexican snuggle buddy got booted last week, but I think I would be more entertained by Helen Keller if we were stuck in a room forced to "chat". Thank God he can sing and has the potential to be hot otherwise he would be joining his friend at the Donkey Show.






Lucky may not live up to his name tonight. The blow out and use of Sea-crud's straightener made him look like a ridiculous version of Shirley Jones circa the Partridge days. At this point the great bone structure and blatant Zac Ephron rip-off were not enough to save you tonight . Sayanara sucka!





Mc-Lovin came out doing a song by a man that pissed on 14 year old girls. I don't know if I'd look to R Kelley as an "inspiration" but he was decent.




Creepy went with the Forest Nymph theme tonight. I was waiting for the Navi to come out of the Ituri forest and proclaim "I see you", but leave it to Shioban to prohibit the Navi, Randy, Ryan or a word from the sponsor, get a damn word in edgewise because again, she drags out a 4 minute explanation on why she sucked elephant sack. WE. DON'T. CARE.

I wish I DIDN'T see you.


Tubby stepped up with his guitar which next to him, looks like Don Ho's ukulele. I love Big Mike but he's such a drama king. "We gonna soar tonight", uh, save it for "Glee" buddy, this is a reality show and you sound like you're trying way to hard. The judges smoked him on the song but I actually really liked it. Sounded 100x better than McLovin and The Tree Fairy. Keep Big Mike!!





In typical Idol fashion, the producer's favorite is placed at the end (remember ole' Adam??). Stinky-locks donned a satin potato sack that showed her motherly fun bags, put her hair into an unruly bun of feathers and ended the show with a sob. If that doesn't spell security, I don't know what does. Great to see Gallagher got out of his show at Zanie's to fly to Hollywood to support his toothless songbird.



Thanks for reading...until next week!
-The Commish

Round 5...If Elvis Is Still Alive, They Just Killed Him.

Another hour of my short life down the drain...I could have had 7 cigarettes and enjoyed them a hell of a lot more than this hour I gave up.


-Brooke WHITE is the performer? At least we've heard of ole Brooke but who the HELL is Justin Gatson? Oh, we're just the BIGGEST show on T.V. so let's book an INTERNET star? Brilliant! Give that producer a promotion!
-The medley, oh the medley. I actually found myself sweating profusely in embarrassment. There WAS a plus, something amazing....Dweezy is officially bald. No more muff puff!!!
-The only air time poor Kris Allen gets on Idol is a :30 spot in the second break for the Ford Fusion that is PAID for by Ford. Idol hasn't even invited him to perform since the top 24. Ouch!
-For once we weren't hanging too long before finding out that Casita Burrito is OUT...adios amigo and muchas gracias!
-Eric Stolz' character from "Mask" took us to Africa, oh, it's just Elliott Yameen, and his enormous noggin on top of his tiny little body. Ok, to be fair, I did like his tune..but a face truly made for radio.
-Kara, you are in a conservative country at an orphanage run by nuns, do you really think a tube top with your ta-ta's flopping all over the African bush was a smart move?
-At 8:45pm on April 13, 2010 Freddy Mercury arose from his grave site and appeared at the Kodak theater.
-The night before, Elvis was FINALLY pronounced dead. Let's see what finally did him in....



Holy Hell, the curtains opened and I thought Susan Boyle had joined the show. Nope, just Shioban looking ridiculous as usual.




So Elvis is a LEGEND and they get Adam fu**ing Lambert?? Seriously? How do you think the little pygmy, Kris Allen, feels about the RUNNER UP being the mentor? I totally get their logic, Miley, Usher, and oh yes of course, the perfect pick, the most annoying person this side of West Hollywood. I noticed Queenie not only has his regular "Lincoln park after dark" nail polish going on, but he's added Revlon lipstick #202, Apricot Fantasy, into his tool kit. Good Lord. So much material but let's move on.

Yuck-mouth was of course great but is anyone else getting a little bored? I just feel like it's the same predictable thing every week. She's great, but a slight snooze. Sorry, I know she's a fan fave. No matter what Crystal is set with a new set of fan's who looked to be friends of Ellen. I saw Chaz Bono and the Indigo Girls in the audience rooting her on. No doubt we wil be seeing her on the 2010 Lilith Fair Tour.



As much as I detest Glam-bo, I love how he brings his two snaps and a twist to the contestants. Telling Andrew he basically sucked was priceless. Aaaand, he was right. The Latin King absolutely butchered THE King. AWFUL.
The not so subtle plea to America about doing this for his "hijo" was bunk. It's like those chicks who sit by the El stop with their babies trying to get chan
ge. I hate when they do that and I hated his long winded begging. Obviously America chooses to have your son starve rather than listen to you play another week.

Ok, Glam-bo was so easy on Tim and when the camera pulled back I saw why!! I could see his giant erection on my mini screen at the gym. No more obvious than that thing.




I think Tim MAY be the smartest guy on the show, a real Einstein. BRILLIANT move. Sing a gooey love song, lick your lips as you stare dreamily into the camera. The tweens and cougars are going to EAT THIS SHIZ UP!! Your hot little friend in the audience won't hurt either. Kudo's Tim, you're safe.




Crotch chin was great but (this kills me to say) again, the Screamer was right. Lee has a terrific voice but the stage presence of a dead muskrat. To me he's the male version of Summer Teeth.
I think Lee had cell block #34568 in the audience...don't F with Joliet bitches.



The "priests dream" sang his itty bitty heart out tonight. He got in Kara's face and gave her a sweet little wink and sang for his life. He needs to stack the audience with more of Tim's friends...he had a herd of swamp turkeys in the audience tonight. Yikes.



Battle of the dueling dorks...I love that Shioban and her favorite Idol came face to face in a true screech off. He was NOT having any of her ass kissing and he will NOT be shown up by this social misfit. He doesn't dig her and we all know how I feel about this little fuck-tard.


Shioban just got off the Long Island Ferry and it's 1982, the only thing missing is some Reeboks with the Velcro straps and a fanny pack. Honey, you looked a hot mess and you absolutely slaughtered the song. We know, you are very, very impressed with yourself but you're getting very old, very quickly. America, why are you keeping this girl around?? Not only that, children should not talk back to their elders. SHUT. YOUR. TRAP.

Fat man in little coat killed it...but, what the hell do I know?? I have butterball going to the top 3 and once again, he was at the bottom. I give up!

Lolita was alllll F**k me eyes tonight but it obviously didn't help...you have finally been shown the door.

Kate-sey Gosselin closed the show and it was boring as could be. I was surprised, I thought Adam would be all over this hot piece of tail but I guess he's not into hot blonde's.


Overall I think this week sucked horse balls. Elvis is the most dynamic performer to ever live and I was pretty much bored stiff. Seacrest actually stole the show with his snarky comments and his mom. Sad that Mrs. Seacrest, making a visit from Atlanta in her Laura Bush blue suit, was the highlight of that 90 minutes. YAAAAAWWWN.



Well gang, no real surprise here...Katie has packed her bags and is heading to "the shore" as part of the new cast where she will become "The Situation's" new bitch. Catch the Mexi-can't on Friday nights at "Poncho's" in Manhattan Beach doing duets with Chris Brown.
GTL babies.

Round 4...Thunderbirds and Beatles

WHY, oh WHY are we tortured with an hour of this.....

-First 5 minutes is an Idol Lovefest. Nothing like watching Mexi and Convict go back to Lee's time in lock-up as they cup one another. All while "Hey Jude" plays softly in the background.

-Next 10, the tan Hobbit making introductions and letting us know that a one hit wonder, an Idol Runner up and Rhianna will all be performing...whoop de doo!

-Yep, another 7 watching a shit crap lip-sync by "the gang", all dressed in go-go boots and black and white color blocks...wow, so retro..I feel like I'm back in Liverpool in the 60's.

-Oh Mr Seacrest Baggins, you got us good...yep, another 10 minutes making us think that one of the girls was leaving "the gang"...You got us good, low and behold, they were all 3 safe. LAME!

-Another 10 spent plugging Kara's amazing fellow "song writer" Jason Da-WHO-lo? I didn't know repeating "In my Head" 20x over constituted great song writing.

-The biggest time burner of 10 minutes? Archie, sans bowl cut, regurgitating his act from the 2008 season. Really? Really?? Let's "Imagine "that you go on your Mormon Mission and "Let it Be" for awhile.

-Ten more minutes drag out for us to learn that AARON KELLY is safe and Big Mike and Taco ARE NOT?? TIM URBAN is safe??? A wrench, I'm in shock

-Two minutes for the Commish to take some deep breaths into a paper bag before continuing this ridiculous re-cap..

-Rhi Rhi you spent 8 minutes sounding like sh*t. An 8 minutes of my life I will never get back. Want to thank you for that.

-The best part of the show are down to the last 3 minutes as Big Mike, YES, BIG MIKE, sings for his life. The Commish is speechless.

-Nope, the best part of the show is the LAST minute when the judges SAVE Big Mike. Bring it back next week big fella!!!



Let's re-cap how this turn of events went down....

Who knew the The Thunderbirds of Rydell High would be judging tonight?? Black Zuko in that ridiculous Letterman's sweater? Please, you lettered in stuffin' your mug and knocking back Maddog under the bleachers...Kinniki Cowell in his tit-tight Tee?...nice headlights...Tune in Tokyo.





-Listening to "No-da" made me wish he'd take that "Long and Winding Road" back to his bog in Dagobah . A little troll you are, but a Jedi, not so much.


-Ok, Katie, you are now in LA, please leave your Jersey "bump it" back home. EVERY week with that same poof is getting as old as Shioban's screeching. Despite your Blossom-esque outfit, you killed it tonight.



-Paco has me terribly confused. I can't quite figure out his "schtick"..One week you remind me of my cousin Joaquin from East LA ...all hood and shiz, and the next week you show up looking like a Mexican Buddy Holly, in other words, this guy....






I DO love me some Big Shirl, but every week I get more jealous of her D cups and 3 carat square cut earrings. Once again, I thought you were great so I don't get "What's Happening" with the votes. Come on, that was a lay-up people.




**Want to thank Black Zuko for the "Glee" plug...momma needs to pay the bills and get herself some of what Shirl's got. Again, "Glee" starts next week, please watch.


I didn't know Crystal came from celebrity pedigree! Her Dad is Gallagher?? Who knew we had the Paris Hilton of Elliston, Ohio on the show!




I still have issue with the lack of teeth and smelly hair ( you know that nest REEKS). I mean, when does she get her new set of chops? I guess once you make the top 5 they know you are going to get signed and they bring in the Extreme Makeover team. Only a few more weeks to go sister...you and Ernie rocked!

Tim, "I'm praying my Zac Ephron hair keeps the girls voting for me", Urban is such a TOOL. NO personality. When EIGHT other people are asked to talk about you and all they discuss are your NON-Crystal Bowersox fangs, that's basically saying you are a complete jack-off. The judges are obviously having guilt issues, they were WAY too generous. Get ready to reunite with Tenille next week.


Kendra was so pretty tonight and I loved her version of "Jealous Man".





I'm sorry, I was just wiping the drool off my face, the rest of the flock and I fell asleep when the shepherdess lulled us to sleep with the most BORING renditions of "Across the Universe" that I have EVER heard. I think Enya would have put more life into that performance.
When Simon asks you a question, answer in under 30 seconds, oh and GET OVER YOURSELF...you are annoying as hell.











Mrs. Garcia was great. Mi Gusta Lee-ah.










Well, next week another Idol reject will be mentoring the gang...everyone knows how I feel about Glam-bo so expect next weeks blog to be my most hateful yet.

Signing off,
The Commish