IDOL round 7

Disco night brought BAD to a new level...Just like the Canadian Crooner (B. Adams) the week before, Donna Summer seemed to be the big winner with song choice. I just don't GET IT, WHY are you making them sing songs that are only meant to be belted out at Korean Karaoke and that's IT. This music has no relevance in today's world unless it's being played at a wedding or a Bar Mitzvah!

Lil' Rounds and the Indian George Michael getting sacked did some MAJOR damage on almost everyone's bracket. The Lil' Dud literally shut the game down for almost half of you..sorry Malori. No surprise Bobby J went, let's be honest, he held on a LOT longer than we expected..he actually helped some people GAIN points. Big winners this week, Frenchy Groves, Me-Tuna St. Pierre and Iris Jun-bug, all with 32 points...bravo!

Last night I was stuck in a two hour condo board meeting listening to a drywall expert talk about paint drying...guess what? He was 125x more interesting than watching Lil Rounds strut around in her fat, I mean, CAT-suit, belting out "I'm Every Women"... She finally got it right with her $17.99 weave but as we saw, it wasn't enough. The judges were cruel, and I'm honestly surprised that Simon didn't point out her horrendous camel toe to REALLY pour salt in those wounds. Lil', you may be the biggest CHOKER we have seen in Idol history...you can leave being proud of SOMETHING.

Ahh, little Kris Allen, sticking with my Operation Iraqi Freedom theme, wore dog tags this week. Still haven't seen anything brighter than tan on this kid but he's really living up to his name. He is a wiley little bugger who just may end up in the top 3...

Who knew this Corey Haim look alike was hiding his own little gardener snake? His pants were incredibly tight and it seemed to really excite the hot chicks they kept panning to in the audience. This did NOT include the Mrs...the mini-frump. I give them 2 years after this kid "makes it" before he sends her packing.
Big D was standard Big D. Great voice, nice smile, Color Me Bad gypsy beard and a FOOPA. Whoop die doo.

Pebble's is boring.

Just when we all expected Tom Jones, Elvis or Chris Issak to show, who did we get tonight??? The looks of this kid....

with the voice of this woman....

Yep, the He/She once again foiled us with another wild and crazy personality change. OOOH, you're so forward thinking Miss Lambert...a disco song done sultry and passionate...again, I hate you.
This week the Unicorn's power came alive...he was covered by a rainbow of good luck and showed the world just how good a Bee Gee's song can really be when sung by someone other than them. Although not a favorite with the judges, I think next to the little guy, he was the best, but I HAVE always been partial to the mystical horse.

In honor of our homeboy, Anoop, I am writing in his signature color to say goodbye. How we will miss you and the "can't quite get the weave right", Miss Lil' Rounds.....see you on tour!

IDOL round 6

No scores this week, due to the fact that the Unicorn was saved from slaughter. We will move on to the top 5 scoring next week and I think it's going to be a heated race to the end. This week was tough for me. I was rather bored and to be honest, the biggest winner of the night was Brian Adams, two songs outta seven?!?!. What a bunch of crappy, sappy, junk they sang this round. SOOOO, since I was bored, you may be too...Read on....

So, it was "Movie Week" and who better to have helping our little lambs but the Musical Genius of Mo from the Three Stooges! Uh, you have GOT to be kidding me that they would honestly ask Quentin (I've had my face pulled a little too tight) Tarrentino to "coach" these already insecure kids. He was USELESS! With his enormous clubbed foot and "Valkayrie" style haircut (sorry for the reference to a movie no one's seen), who could concentrate on his "pointers". Put a patch over his eye and he is a dead ringer for the second biggest clown in Hollywood, this man.

Showing in Cinema one "Chicken Run".. STARRING Foghorn Leghorn...

I say, I say, I say....that girl can sing but WHAT was so original about the arrangement? NOTHING...I think every season some knucklehead does their best Stephen Tyler impression and it sounds ten time WORSE than the original ever did. She comes out with her red Rooster top and Glad trash bag getup, lisps her way thru it and they hail her as the next Janis Joplin, pa-lease! She's good but I didn't think she blew it outta the water.

In Cinema Two we are featuring "Six Days, Seven Nights":

Yep, Anoop, you are going to have to pull a rabbit outta JTT's hat if you want to pull off staying longer than that!! You were good dawg, I would go as far as saying one of the best, but the clock is ticking. You don't ooze with sex appeal, your fashion sense is wack and I'm not really buying the Southern Gentleman bit, so my guess is that if you don't KILL IT next week, you gone!

Cinema THREE will be showing the Indie Winner "TransAmerica" starring...the creep.

UUUG, enough with your falsetto and kicking up your feet at Ricky Minor and the band. What am I missing?? It sounded like Lil' Rounds tightened his cock ring right before stepping on stage and he was howling in agony. He TOTALLY thinks this is his to win...blowing kisses to the plastic faced broad behind Simon (did anyone notice her, she was melting before our eyes!!) or maybe those kisses were intended for the surly Brit himself. What he should be doing is hooking Gokey and Pebbles up with his dealer to help those two lose some of the lb's they seem to put on each week...try meth, I hear it's great for the figure.

Cinema Four is Featuring "Anaconda"...

Well, we now know this kid is lucky. His third eye has truly brought him good luck and cast off the evil spells of the "Mean Girls" and "The Last King of Scotland"...I'm referring to the judges, just in case you didn't' catch that. Did you see Randy's Edie Amin General sweater??? Not a good look dawg. You all know that I'm a huge fan of Matt but he was trying WAAAAY too hard to be like Justin last night. His outfit looked like the piano player at the Reagle Beagle and his lame rendition of an already lame ditty, stunk. I AM happy you got the save vote and I DO hope we continue to see your "junk" until the end.
Cinema Five we are pleased to present the all time classic "Porky's"...

Big fan of the Gokester but I'm getting BORED. His voice is great but he doesn't ever WOW us. His big, white man flats were about the most interesting thing about his performance. Moving on...

We are so happy to announce the re-release of "Elf" in Cinema six...

Once again my precious Kris wore an "earthy" get-up but I won't fault him, nope, not today. He sang one of the BEST movie songs ever written and he killed it. Best of the night.
And rounding out our presentation this evening in Cinema seven, "Clueless"

This is NOT because I thought she looked like Stacy Dash with her new weave, it's because this girl doesn't listen! Who knew we had TWO impaired contestants this year...A blind dude and a deaf dumb-ass. Lil', why don't you EVER listen when they say "speed it up", "make it more R and B"?? You choose a song from a 70's movie that was done by a white, JEWISH broad?? If you wanted to go back that far, you should have looked into doing a Diana Ross song from "Mahogany" or I don't know, make it more current with a "Dreamgirls" song...you are just stupid and I bid you adieu, because next week, you and the Indian are history.
I DO want to thank the poor man's cast of High school Musical 3 for their AMAZING rendition of "Maniac" in last nights opener..nothing says true talent better than nailing a Michael Sembello song...exactly, who the hell is Michael Sembello??
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!
-The Commish

IDOL round 5

Good morning friends!
Competition is getting fierce and most people actually have stronger brackets as we close in on the end. If Lil' Rounds doesn't get it together soon, we are ALL in for some trouble. The Sleeper has about a week left before everyone has him going, so he is truly living up to his name. Mike Smiley and J. Mac are closing in on me and it's only a matter of when Bobby J is finally escorted out of the building that will determine a clear leader...Let's discuss....

Do you think Scott was blindsided by this weeks vote!!!!?!?!?! Low hanging fruit but still funny!

-Who was the clapping monkey sitting up front??? Oh, just frickin' Paula making an unusually LARGER ass of herself while her meds kicked in. I usually can block her out but this week was unbelievable...that open handed clap drives me mad!! Megan, this shout out is for you, but well deserved this week!


-Kumar redeemed himself from last weeks abysmal mess with a touching rendition of "True Colors"...ahhhh, how precious. I liked when he showed HIS true colors LAST week and almost pimp slapped that new broad....I guess he waz just feeling the thuuuuug life yo' ! I think you are holding on by a thread my friend...even Shiva can't save you now.

-Who knew Danny Gokey played Cousin Oliver on the Brady Bunch when he was a youngster!?

Consistent as usual but they need to get that kat on a treadmill, shave his gypsy beard and burn the sateen tuxedo he wore last night. I know he sang a song from the 80's but the glare of that suit was blinding.

-I am now convinced that JTT is from a mystical land, far, far away and that he is actually a Unicorn with an incredible singing voice. He came to this world to try out for Idol, but in order to fit in, hack sawed his horn off, leaving that nub in the middle of his head. Never did he expect to get to Hollywood week, let alone the TOP 12!! He is now forced to wear hats every other week so no one catches on and sends him back to the land of Nym. We appreciate you trying to assimilate into our culture, but the rosary beads and enormous gold nugget ring only work in Jersey, yet your story is that you're from Michigan??....In-ter-essssting.

Kris really screwed the pooch this week! Look kid, a shit song is a shit song...I don't care which decade you actually SING it in or if you add a bit of horn to "jazz it up" but it's like putting lipstick on a pig. The thing is still a damn pig! Nope didn't work.
I have YET to see you wearing anything other than the color of people living in Iraq...this includes the troops and the prisoners...Come ON! Spice it up kid...the song was boring, but usually I can deal if I'm looking at something pleasant. You looked more like Lyndie England holding a guitar rather than a leashed prisoner!

On top of that mess of an outfit and mess of a song, you let little Debbie Dugger back into the audience..KRIS, you are lucky to still be here! Ditch Double D, put on a BLUE shirt and stop ripping off John Mayer's persona. Don't let me down next week.


What do you get when you cross Eva Peron with Arthur Fonzarelli?? This little hot mess!!!

Another failure of an outfit for the Monchichi!!
Ruffles, cankles and leather a good mix this does NOT make. Aye yay yay!
I must admit that I love the sound of her voice and for 16 she is incredibly impressive. The problem is that these days I find myself zoning out on the clothes or the Merlot colored rats nest that sits upon her melon more than I take in the music. Whatevs, she's still better than our next contestant....


Lil' Rounds has officially duped us ALL. In the beginning I was thinking that having any reminder of Font-Nausea ( pronounced as Simon says it..FON-TA-ZEEEA) Barino would be a bad thing; now I miss the days of that ole' howler monkey. At least she was ORIGINAL. When I watch Lil' I'm bored stiff. I'm so bored I'm moving on...

UUUUUUGGGG....Henry Keller and his Geee-TAR were laugh out loudable!!
Anyone else notice the guitar cord was swinging behind him like a tail?? BECAUSE it wasn't even plugged into the AMP folks. He can't play guitar and I'm starting to think he's not blind either. Schtick is up Scott, please leave. Between the judges I think there is close to 1 1/2 ball sack starting to appear. FINALLY, you 4 are starting to buy your own bullshit...this is a SINGING competition!! At least the mop top was more Willie Aames circa "Charles in Charge" vs. Willie Aames circa "Eight is Enough". The Hair Cuttery did a good job... Congrats on SOMETHING.

vs....


Speaking of ball sacks, I'm now 100% convinced that Miss Adam Lambert is currently going thru the "pre-op" procedure. He is obviously missing his go-nads with that annoying falsetto. How else does he go so high?? Mark my word friends, by the last week of this show, the estrogen will have kicked in and his man-teets will be as big as Danny's. We are watching two reality shows in one...."American Idol" and "The Lack of Sack on Crack".

I can't say that I will miss anything about Scott other than the endless material he has given me for these recaps...SEE you down the road buddy!

Have a great weekend...The Commish!

IDOL round 4

It's heating up and the wannabe's showed their stuff with American Top 40....As far as the pool a few of us had a perfect night and things are getting much tighter as we round the bend to the finish line.

Let's discuss....

I think I was DEAD ON when I named Kris Allen "the Sleeper", he was hands down the best of the night. His wife must have had a student council meeting because she was nowhere in sight...maybe he's finally realizing that he needs to tuck her away to build the little girl fan base. Loved him, no complaints.

Rascal Fats was good but I didn't think he was as GREAT as the judges thought he was. I noticed that once again he met with the Idol "do-crew"and got his hair "tipped"...No disrespect, but you're in Hollywood now, time to leave Wisconsin in the dust, along with that look. Anyone catch Cinderella and her two ugly step-sisters sitting front and center with the "I love Danny" sign?? Potential love interests??

I thought the judges were WAAAY to hard on Cyclopes this round. Maybe he didn't pick the BEST or most popular Fray song, but he has skills vocally and on the synth. His style this week paid serious homage to "Saved by the Bell" with the giant Zack Morris high-tops and the A.C. Slater Members Only jacket, but the guy is still the hottest one on stage and deserves to stay...obviously America agreed.

What do you get when you combine...

+

it's our resident "rocker", Allison Iraheta!!

Lord, I'm all about self expression but that get up was a full out calamity! I hate to say it, but I actually prefer her looking like a 16 year old street walker from Juarez. And what was WRONG with her last night?? I think the tin from her braces must be seeping into her gums because she was straight up craaaaaa-zy. Yeah, yeah, she's only 16, I get it, but she seems to be a rather ANNOYING 16 year old, no?

UUUUGGG...The rise of Meth Face (He-She) seems unstoppable based on the judges.
I personally felt like I was at the Tropicana circa 1973 watching a bad Tom Jones show..all the gyration of the hips and grabbing of his crotch. It was disturbing. I absolutely go nuts when this guy takes the stage. You know my feelings, let's move on.

Yo, Willy, Blanche Devareux called from the set of Golden Girls and wants her hair back! What in Sam HELL was with his lid this week? I think I even detected the scent of a mullet in the back but couldn't get confirmation from the camera angles.
Yep, it's official, Simon's sack finally fell off and he too is starting to succumb to the blindness factor. Come on, he doesn't even LOOK blind. Get over it already, he obviously has and would probably appreciate it if you stopped reminding him of his "challenge", PAULA, you creep.

Lil', Lil', Lil'...what in the HELL were you thinking last night?? You went from a plastic James Brown weave, to a full on Javier Bardam Prince Valiant cut!
For those of you unfamiliar, please see below...


It's not even the hair that bothered me as much as the fact that you are 23, picked a song that nobody knew (by the best selling female artist in the world, might I add) and wore a dress that looked like it belonged on the Lido deck of the Love Boat. I'm not one to talk about junk in the trunk, but the back of that dress looked like two double rolls of Charmin squeezed into a blue sausage casing. You are better than this...at least I think you are. Come on giiiiirrrrl, get it together!

Who can tell me who dat bad ass mo'fo from da mean streets of Chapel Hill waz last night?? Oh, right, it was the Hip Hop Hindu!!!
Anoop, really? REALLY?? I like this kid but hid my eyes at least TWICE when he was trying to look all "thug" and shiz.
Your military gear didn't give you any street cred bro, I mean, let's be honest, WONKA could take you in a street fight for Godsakes.
And what was with that flimsy chain around your arm...I think I bought that on sale at Forever 21 last summer. That thing was janked up! Didn't work for me cuz!

And last but not least, the Moron...I mean, the Mormon.
UGGGG, next to the Tranny, this girl is my most detested...no, I take that back, this girl is the WORST. At least the little crack head has some talent, this girl has nothing..nothing but the love of raaaassssta mon'!
From the back, her hair looked like Randy "The Ram" in "The Wrestler", but the addition of a token "dreadlock" showed she was one with Jah and the people of Kingston, Jah rule! From the second she started singing I couldn't figure out why she was so off key, that is until they panned out on her entire body. Those high waisted pants were giving the poor girl a moose-knuckle the size of the Suez Canal. I don't know if ANYONE could have sang much better with an issue such as that. But as we know, America showed no sympathy and we must now say goodbye and send you back to Papa and your Sister Wives..Good luck!


Have a great weekend all....The Commish