FAREWELL to Season 9

And the winner is.....ME!!
That's right SUCKAZZZZZ, the commish is the big winner this year and well deserved after failing miserably last year!....Frenchy Groves came up behind Johnny Mac/Christa to take second and who woulda thunk it, but ole' Amy D$, bamboozled Mike Smiley for third! Congrats to all! Amy, send me your address and I will get you your dough.

I could go on for DAYS about the finale but why?...it's over and I'm happy to announce that we can officially say goodbye to THIS person....


And welcome this man as our NEW AMERICAN IDOL!! (I swear with short hair and Converse they could be cousins...distant but still related:)

It's been another fun year. Thank you all for playing.

Until 2010....
-the commish

FINAL IDOL

And we're off...
Miss Thang started it off, which for ONCE hasn't been rigged in his favor..Came out swinging with "Mad World" which has been his most popular Itunes download thus far. Adam went for the Highlander meets Homeless look; the fog and coat reminded me of Cosette begging on the streets of Paris in "Les Miserable"., and I DETEST saying this, but he nailed it...not the janked up look, but the song AND brooding look at the end. Very Constantine Maroulas like.

Kris decided to show his skills on the keys and went with the very soulful "Ain't No Sunshine". Hard to make it appeal to white tweens but he managed it. They sexed up the wifey who actually looked a bit like Reese Witherspoon..I said a BIT. She knows to keep this boy she better get a little LA naaaaaasty!
Round two kicks off with Annie wearing his sharkskin suit singing "A Change is Gonna Come".Who knew Stanley from "The Office" moonlights as a blues guitarist on Idol?? And oops there it is...that howl that seems to creep into every damn song. Give it a rest. Steven Tyler, jeesh!

Arkansas favorite son went with Marvin Gayes "What's Going On".. Crowd was into it from the first strum of the strings which is a great sign for this little side mouthed singer because to be honest, it was a little dull.
Side note...anyone notice how they propped up blind Scott against Anoop but failed to point him to the right camera. That guy just can't catch a break.
And finally....
Adam dons his tire tread jacket and anaconda enhancing acid wash jeans to get the Boystown vote nailed down and let's loose on Kara's song "No Boundaries", not bad. Love how Simon makes one last push for votes on behalf of Lambert...seems really unfair...but it just may work.
Last up (for the first time may I add) is our favorite little person.
Completely different take on the song.. I don't know kids, his voice failed at one point and he forgot a lyric or two. He may have lost this thing to Adam. To make sure I could stand by this bold statement I watched both performances twice and although Adam should be cast in "Glee" with all of the other drama queens, he was better. Ouch, hurt typing that. I like the backup vocals on his take whereas, Kris took it solo.
For once I'm going to be objective...Adam has more range and more depth, while Kris' sound is very distinct. On the flip, Kris has a hell of a lot more mass appeal than the Adam. Although the judges basically said goodbye to Kris ie.."You should be proud of yourself" and "You were an incredibly contender" and every magazine and blog has put Adam on their cover, don't discount the voting public! Remember that Kris has NEVER been in the bottom 3, hopefully his fan base pulls him to the end...but this was a dawg fight till the end folks!
Until tomorrow...
-the commish

IDOL round 10

TGIF my friends!! My take on this weeks travesty...
We are down to the final two and I am calling out and out sabotage and rigging this season!! A few of my conspiracy theories if you will...
-Gokey was up first and Dingbat Abdul chooses a song that A) No one knew, or ever HEARD of, and let's be clear, I OWNED that cassette back in the day and I don't remember it. B) It was by an Artist that had ONE hit back in a time that the majority of the Idol audiences' PARENTS were smoking dooby's behind the bleachers at their high school pep rally's!! Really?? That's fair?
Conspiracy two:
Simon in his tit tight baby T states that he personally called U2 to get clearance for "The King of Cock" to sing "One" and they couldn't have been more delighted. Uh, let's not make it obvious who you rooting for and just to stick it to the other two, let's make it sound like Bono actually gave two shits about Miss Adam singing, or should I say butchering, his song. I think not, were in a recession and the band just wanted a royalty check.
Final Conspiracy:
Once again, WHO wraps up the show?? This has happened over SIX times now and it is so obvious why! And just to make sure everyone in America is on board with the Screaming Queen, every single judge made a point to say, "see you in the finals". I feel like Simon is the Marshall Applewhite of TV forcing his young flock to drink the Kool-Aid or suffer a terrible fate...

Last night we said good bye to the best thing to come out of Milwaukee since Laverne and Shirley. I honestly thought with his last song he was going to pull thru. His first attempt was a good one, seeing what he was given to work with. Watching him made me feel like I was seeing something familiar, something, or SOMEONE I see on a daily basis...ah yes! It was the fact that he and our very own Iris "Jun-bug" Jun must have hit up the same LensCrafters because they had matching specs! Yes people, I was so bored with that unknown tune that I was fixating on THAT fact.

Kris did a great job with "Apologize" and showed us he's versatile with his musical instruments! Beat the hell out of watching Blindy earlier in the season (yes, I'm evil). Obviously Kris solidified his position when he did Kanye's song ten times better than the diva himself. Killed it! It absolutely made my season that itty bitty Mighty Mouse stuck it to those idiots who have been doing their best to make sure Gokey and Adam were the last two standing. Suckaaaaazzzz!!!
Well Adam was his ever annoying self. Swaying and sashaying across the stage like Bob Fosse himself in the cast of "Chorus Line". I don't know if you caught Anoop in the crowd last night. I guess he heard that they were recasting for "Harold and Kumar go to Jamaica" and thought he would try his shot at becoming the lone Indian actor in Hollywood now that Kal Penn has gone on to Washington. When they announced Adam was moving on, both he and the mystical beast looked like they were going to vomit. My guess is Adam wasn't a huge favorite in the house. It was either a look of jealousy or fear as they had flashbacks of a naked Adam trying to shower with them week after week, show after show.

Well, next week will end all of the suspense. Go pocket mouse go!!!
See you in Hollywood Danny G!

IDOL round 9

TGIF fellow Idolers...we are coming to the close of our season and have come down to the Top 3!! Scores attached...enjoy!

Well this week the kids got the honor of singing with one of the biggest heroin junkies of the 80' and 90's...none other than Saul Hudson himself..or as the rock world knows him, "Slash". GREAT role model for all the tweens that keep this show on the air...LORD!
To get them all "in the rock mood", Saul felt it best to take them to an infamous opium den on Sunset to have their "jam sessions". I don't think it helped much judging by some of these performances.

Led Zeppelin has officially sold out! John Bonham was turning over in his grave as was he ACTUALLY awoken from the dead by the screeching weasel..Adam LOVES him some Adam..strutting around and giving us his best Ru Paul head bob...make it stop I say, make it STOP!

Danny has obviously been feeling the heat Miz Lambert is putting on him because this week he decided the only chance against him was to channel his inner Fantasia "the howler monkey" Barino, at the end of a classic. BOMB!!! Mix that final note, the purple hue'd zoot suit and the child molester spectacles and he's lucky he's still alive.


Simon is obviously gunning for my little pet and he's not hiding that fact one bit. Well guess what Simon, you got TREATED!! America loves this little pocket mouse and my guess is he's winning the entire thing and finally shutting down the last girl left in the competition! Boooyah!!! Honestly, why doesn't he get any credit for being the only kid that plays his own instrument? And Adam, a Meat Flute doesn't count!

I was happy my Season 6 crush came back for a visit. I could have done without him sporting the beard of THIS tool...

But he sounded good and proved why he should have won that season...I think my parents caught Taylor Hicks' act at the Circus Circus in Reno last summer...and I REALLY wish I was kidding about that. Aaaah, how the mighty have fallen...

The new duets twist CRACKED ME UP!!!
The first two chose a Styx song that I had never even HEARD before. C'mon, why not use a classic like "Mr. Roboto" or "Sail Away"?? Who the hell told you "Renegade" was a hit??? I honestly felt like I was the battle of the dueling dwarves!

Although duet numero dos was MUCH better, actually good (see, I can give credit where credit is due), I felt like I was watching the Gender Bender Twins. Pebbles is built like a brick shithouse and Annette had more chains than Mr. T, more eyeliner than a French whore and a higher voice than a six year old sucking helium.
Buuuut, it wasn't good enough because last night we said farewell to Alison...
I guess using the discarded weave of Lil' Rounds wasn't such a good idea eh? The good news??? Tyco has already released a doll in your image and will be on sale at the "merch table" this summer on your highly anticipated tour of fairs and street fests. Good luck!!
-The Commish!

IDOL round 8

This week was "Rat Pack" week and I gotta say, it didn't suck as bad as it could have. I felt like I should have been watching in a housedress, drinking an old fashion, smoking a Pal Mal extra-long with a meatloaf in the oven.


Let's recap...

Aaah, Thumbelina has stolen my heart to become my favorite...I know, big shocker. He's just so teensy I could tuck him into a matchbox that sits on my nightstand and keep him as my little pet. Every year I end up having a mad crush on one of these fools and this year he happens to be my man. It's obvious that none of us felt strongly about this little fella' because all but ONE of us had him out weeks ago..Bravo Frenchy! I can't say much about him..he's adorable and I would be SHOCKED if he didn't make it to the top three or better yet, the top TWO!

It's funny that Randy said Peb's looked like Brittany Murphy because I think SHE took it as a compliment when in reality he was thinking of THIS Brittany Murphy.
Although she SOUNDED good I just don't think she has the likeability factor that is needed to move ahead..and let's face it...she's NOT HOT ,so that takes away the male voters who have all but given up on this show.


Danny Gokey is part of the "Fat Rat Pack"...with a body like Big Baby Davis and the muff puff chin of John Salmons I felt like I was watching another playoff game against the Bulls and Celtics..a game NO ONE was a winner lookin' like THAT hot mess..DAYUMM boy, find a razor and a treadmill...you're about to be a star, time to stop looking like one of the Gotti brothers at the Jersey shore and more like someone that's going to be getting laid, DAILY...you only have one person standing in your way.....

"Here he/she comes, Miss America"....Little Miss Thang sauntered down those white stairs like Miss Ugly America, resembling K.D. Lange on her worst day.


I guess the Scarlett O'Hara entry didn't work so good for her this time...American kids were officially creeped out by his forked tongue that came out when he howled that song like a dying possum. UGGG, give it a rest already. His outfit gave me the shudders as it brought back memories of my 1987 prom date who wore that SAME white tux and white man flats.Living through it once was enough, watching it on crater face gave me the chills.....Well, if this doesn't pan out, he can always represent Pro-Active. He's got a face for radio as we in the business say!
Well it's official, the "Death of a Salesman" get-up did "Just Like Justin" in this week. Not even a visit to Tan-cun was enough to keep him afloat. I have a feeling that YES, he has what it takes, but he was overshadowed by the tranny and the ever-expanding Gokester and Pebbles. Sayonara Matt.
Sorry for the tardiness kids!
The commish!

IDOL round 7

Disco night brought BAD to a new level...Just like the Canadian Crooner (B. Adams) the week before, Donna Summer seemed to be the big winner with song choice. I just don't GET IT, WHY are you making them sing songs that are only meant to be belted out at Korean Karaoke and that's IT. This music has no relevance in today's world unless it's being played at a wedding or a Bar Mitzvah!

Lil' Rounds and the Indian George Michael getting sacked did some MAJOR damage on almost everyone's bracket. The Lil' Dud literally shut the game down for almost half of you..sorry Malori. No surprise Bobby J went, let's be honest, he held on a LOT longer than we expected..he actually helped some people GAIN points. Big winners this week, Frenchy Groves, Me-Tuna St. Pierre and Iris Jun-bug, all with 32 points...bravo!

Last night I was stuck in a two hour condo board meeting listening to a drywall expert talk about paint drying...guess what? He was 125x more interesting than watching Lil Rounds strut around in her fat, I mean, CAT-suit, belting out "I'm Every Women"... She finally got it right with her $17.99 weave but as we saw, it wasn't enough. The judges were cruel, and I'm honestly surprised that Simon didn't point out her horrendous camel toe to REALLY pour salt in those wounds. Lil', you may be the biggest CHOKER we have seen in Idol history...you can leave being proud of SOMETHING.

Ahh, little Kris Allen, sticking with my Operation Iraqi Freedom theme, wore dog tags this week. Still haven't seen anything brighter than tan on this kid but he's really living up to his name. He is a wiley little bugger who just may end up in the top 3...

Who knew this Corey Haim look alike was hiding his own little gardener snake? His pants were incredibly tight and it seemed to really excite the hot chicks they kept panning to in the audience. This did NOT include the Mrs...the mini-frump. I give them 2 years after this kid "makes it" before he sends her packing.
Big D was standard Big D. Great voice, nice smile, Color Me Bad gypsy beard and a FOOPA. Whoop die doo.

Pebble's is boring.

Just when we all expected Tom Jones, Elvis or Chris Issak to show, who did we get tonight??? The looks of this kid....

with the voice of this woman....

Yep, the He/She once again foiled us with another wild and crazy personality change. OOOH, you're so forward thinking Miss Lambert...a disco song done sultry and passionate...again, I hate you.
This week the Unicorn's power came alive...he was covered by a rainbow of good luck and showed the world just how good a Bee Gee's song can really be when sung by someone other than them. Although not a favorite with the judges, I think next to the little guy, he was the best, but I HAVE always been partial to the mystical horse.

In honor of our homeboy, Anoop, I am writing in his signature color to say goodbye. How we will miss you and the "can't quite get the weave right", Miss Lil' Rounds.....see you on tour!

IDOL round 6

No scores this week, due to the fact that the Unicorn was saved from slaughter. We will move on to the top 5 scoring next week and I think it's going to be a heated race to the end. This week was tough for me. I was rather bored and to be honest, the biggest winner of the night was Brian Adams, two songs outta seven?!?!. What a bunch of crappy, sappy, junk they sang this round. SOOOO, since I was bored, you may be too...Read on....

So, it was "Movie Week" and who better to have helping our little lambs but the Musical Genius of Mo from the Three Stooges! Uh, you have GOT to be kidding me that they would honestly ask Quentin (I've had my face pulled a little too tight) Tarrentino to "coach" these already insecure kids. He was USELESS! With his enormous clubbed foot and "Valkayrie" style haircut (sorry for the reference to a movie no one's seen), who could concentrate on his "pointers". Put a patch over his eye and he is a dead ringer for the second biggest clown in Hollywood, this man.

Showing in Cinema one "Chicken Run".. STARRING Foghorn Leghorn...

I say, I say, I say....that girl can sing but WHAT was so original about the arrangement? NOTHING...I think every season some knucklehead does their best Stephen Tyler impression and it sounds ten time WORSE than the original ever did. She comes out with her red Rooster top and Glad trash bag getup, lisps her way thru it and they hail her as the next Janis Joplin, pa-lease! She's good but I didn't think she blew it outta the water.

In Cinema Two we are featuring "Six Days, Seven Nights":

Yep, Anoop, you are going to have to pull a rabbit outta JTT's hat if you want to pull off staying longer than that!! You were good dawg, I would go as far as saying one of the best, but the clock is ticking. You don't ooze with sex appeal, your fashion sense is wack and I'm not really buying the Southern Gentleman bit, so my guess is that if you don't KILL IT next week, you gone!

Cinema THREE will be showing the Indie Winner "TransAmerica" starring...the creep.

UUUG, enough with your falsetto and kicking up your feet at Ricky Minor and the band. What am I missing?? It sounded like Lil' Rounds tightened his cock ring right before stepping on stage and he was howling in agony. He TOTALLY thinks this is his to win...blowing kisses to the plastic faced broad behind Simon (did anyone notice her, she was melting before our eyes!!) or maybe those kisses were intended for the surly Brit himself. What he should be doing is hooking Gokey and Pebbles up with his dealer to help those two lose some of the lb's they seem to put on each week...try meth, I hear it's great for the figure.

Cinema Four is Featuring "Anaconda"...

Well, we now know this kid is lucky. His third eye has truly brought him good luck and cast off the evil spells of the "Mean Girls" and "The Last King of Scotland"...I'm referring to the judges, just in case you didn't' catch that. Did you see Randy's Edie Amin General sweater??? Not a good look dawg. You all know that I'm a huge fan of Matt but he was trying WAAAAY too hard to be like Justin last night. His outfit looked like the piano player at the Reagle Beagle and his lame rendition of an already lame ditty, stunk. I AM happy you got the save vote and I DO hope we continue to see your "junk" until the end.
Cinema Five we are pleased to present the all time classic "Porky's"...

Big fan of the Gokester but I'm getting BORED. His voice is great but he doesn't ever WOW us. His big, white man flats were about the most interesting thing about his performance. Moving on...

We are so happy to announce the re-release of "Elf" in Cinema six...

Once again my precious Kris wore an "earthy" get-up but I won't fault him, nope, not today. He sang one of the BEST movie songs ever written and he killed it. Best of the night.
And rounding out our presentation this evening in Cinema seven, "Clueless"

This is NOT because I thought she looked like Stacy Dash with her new weave, it's because this girl doesn't listen! Who knew we had TWO impaired contestants this year...A blind dude and a deaf dumb-ass. Lil', why don't you EVER listen when they say "speed it up", "make it more R and B"?? You choose a song from a 70's movie that was done by a white, JEWISH broad?? If you wanted to go back that far, you should have looked into doing a Diana Ross song from "Mahogany" or I don't know, make it more current with a "Dreamgirls" song...you are just stupid and I bid you adieu, because next week, you and the Indian are history.
I DO want to thank the poor man's cast of High school Musical 3 for their AMAZING rendition of "Maniac" in last nights opener..nothing says true talent better than nailing a Michael Sembello song...exactly, who the hell is Michael Sembello??
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!
-The Commish

IDOL round 5

Good morning friends!
Competition is getting fierce and most people actually have stronger brackets as we close in on the end. If Lil' Rounds doesn't get it together soon, we are ALL in for some trouble. The Sleeper has about a week left before everyone has him going, so he is truly living up to his name. Mike Smiley and J. Mac are closing in on me and it's only a matter of when Bobby J is finally escorted out of the building that will determine a clear leader...Let's discuss....

Do you think Scott was blindsided by this weeks vote!!!!?!?!?! Low hanging fruit but still funny!

-Who was the clapping monkey sitting up front??? Oh, just frickin' Paula making an unusually LARGER ass of herself while her meds kicked in. I usually can block her out but this week was unbelievable...that open handed clap drives me mad!! Megan, this shout out is for you, but well deserved this week!


-Kumar redeemed himself from last weeks abysmal mess with a touching rendition of "True Colors"...ahhhh, how precious. I liked when he showed HIS true colors LAST week and almost pimp slapped that new broad....I guess he waz just feeling the thuuuuug life yo' ! I think you are holding on by a thread my friend...even Shiva can't save you now.

-Who knew Danny Gokey played Cousin Oliver on the Brady Bunch when he was a youngster!?

Consistent as usual but they need to get that kat on a treadmill, shave his gypsy beard and burn the sateen tuxedo he wore last night. I know he sang a song from the 80's but the glare of that suit was blinding.

-I am now convinced that JTT is from a mystical land, far, far away and that he is actually a Unicorn with an incredible singing voice. He came to this world to try out for Idol, but in order to fit in, hack sawed his horn off, leaving that nub in the middle of his head. Never did he expect to get to Hollywood week, let alone the TOP 12!! He is now forced to wear hats every other week so no one catches on and sends him back to the land of Nym. We appreciate you trying to assimilate into our culture, but the rosary beads and enormous gold nugget ring only work in Jersey, yet your story is that you're from Michigan??....In-ter-essssting.

Kris really screwed the pooch this week! Look kid, a shit song is a shit song...I don't care which decade you actually SING it in or if you add a bit of horn to "jazz it up" but it's like putting lipstick on a pig. The thing is still a damn pig! Nope didn't work.
I have YET to see you wearing anything other than the color of people living in Iraq...this includes the troops and the prisoners...Come ON! Spice it up kid...the song was boring, but usually I can deal if I'm looking at something pleasant. You looked more like Lyndie England holding a guitar rather than a leashed prisoner!

On top of that mess of an outfit and mess of a song, you let little Debbie Dugger back into the audience..KRIS, you are lucky to still be here! Ditch Double D, put on a BLUE shirt and stop ripping off John Mayer's persona. Don't let me down next week.


What do you get when you cross Eva Peron with Arthur Fonzarelli?? This little hot mess!!!

Another failure of an outfit for the Monchichi!!
Ruffles, cankles and leather a good mix this does NOT make. Aye yay yay!
I must admit that I love the sound of her voice and for 16 she is incredibly impressive. The problem is that these days I find myself zoning out on the clothes or the Merlot colored rats nest that sits upon her melon more than I take in the music. Whatevs, she's still better than our next contestant....


Lil' Rounds has officially duped us ALL. In the beginning I was thinking that having any reminder of Font-Nausea ( pronounced as Simon says it..FON-TA-ZEEEA) Barino would be a bad thing; now I miss the days of that ole' howler monkey. At least she was ORIGINAL. When I watch Lil' I'm bored stiff. I'm so bored I'm moving on...

UUUUUUGGGG....Henry Keller and his Geee-TAR were laugh out loudable!!
Anyone else notice the guitar cord was swinging behind him like a tail?? BECAUSE it wasn't even plugged into the AMP folks. He can't play guitar and I'm starting to think he's not blind either. Schtick is up Scott, please leave. Between the judges I think there is close to 1 1/2 ball sack starting to appear. FINALLY, you 4 are starting to buy your own bullshit...this is a SINGING competition!! At least the mop top was more Willie Aames circa "Charles in Charge" vs. Willie Aames circa "Eight is Enough". The Hair Cuttery did a good job... Congrats on SOMETHING.

vs....


Speaking of ball sacks, I'm now 100% convinced that Miss Adam Lambert is currently going thru the "pre-op" procedure. He is obviously missing his go-nads with that annoying falsetto. How else does he go so high?? Mark my word friends, by the last week of this show, the estrogen will have kicked in and his man-teets will be as big as Danny's. We are watching two reality shows in one...."American Idol" and "The Lack of Sack on Crack".

I can't say that I will miss anything about Scott other than the endless material he has given me for these recaps...SEE you down the road buddy!

Have a great weekend...The Commish!

IDOL round 4

It's heating up and the wannabe's showed their stuff with American Top 40....As far as the pool a few of us had a perfect night and things are getting much tighter as we round the bend to the finish line.

Let's discuss....

I think I was DEAD ON when I named Kris Allen "the Sleeper", he was hands down the best of the night. His wife must have had a student council meeting because she was nowhere in sight...maybe he's finally realizing that he needs to tuck her away to build the little girl fan base. Loved him, no complaints.

Rascal Fats was good but I didn't think he was as GREAT as the judges thought he was. I noticed that once again he met with the Idol "do-crew"and got his hair "tipped"...No disrespect, but you're in Hollywood now, time to leave Wisconsin in the dust, along with that look. Anyone catch Cinderella and her two ugly step-sisters sitting front and center with the "I love Danny" sign?? Potential love interests??

I thought the judges were WAAAY to hard on Cyclopes this round. Maybe he didn't pick the BEST or most popular Fray song, but he has skills vocally and on the synth. His style this week paid serious homage to "Saved by the Bell" with the giant Zack Morris high-tops and the A.C. Slater Members Only jacket, but the guy is still the hottest one on stage and deserves to stay...obviously America agreed.

What do you get when you combine...

+

it's our resident "rocker", Allison Iraheta!!

Lord, I'm all about self expression but that get up was a full out calamity! I hate to say it, but I actually prefer her looking like a 16 year old street walker from Juarez. And what was WRONG with her last night?? I think the tin from her braces must be seeping into her gums because she was straight up craaaaaa-zy. Yeah, yeah, she's only 16, I get it, but she seems to be a rather ANNOYING 16 year old, no?

UUUUGGG...The rise of Meth Face (He-She) seems unstoppable based on the judges.
I personally felt like I was at the Tropicana circa 1973 watching a bad Tom Jones show..all the gyration of the hips and grabbing of his crotch. It was disturbing. I absolutely go nuts when this guy takes the stage. You know my feelings, let's move on.

Yo, Willy, Blanche Devareux called from the set of Golden Girls and wants her hair back! What in Sam HELL was with his lid this week? I think I even detected the scent of a mullet in the back but couldn't get confirmation from the camera angles.
Yep, it's official, Simon's sack finally fell off and he too is starting to succumb to the blindness factor. Come on, he doesn't even LOOK blind. Get over it already, he obviously has and would probably appreciate it if you stopped reminding him of his "challenge", PAULA, you creep.

Lil', Lil', Lil'...what in the HELL were you thinking last night?? You went from a plastic James Brown weave, to a full on Javier Bardam Prince Valiant cut!
For those of you unfamiliar, please see below...


It's not even the hair that bothered me as much as the fact that you are 23, picked a song that nobody knew (by the best selling female artist in the world, might I add) and wore a dress that looked like it belonged on the Lido deck of the Love Boat. I'm not one to talk about junk in the trunk, but the back of that dress looked like two double rolls of Charmin squeezed into a blue sausage casing. You are better than this...at least I think you are. Come on giiiiirrrrl, get it together!

Who can tell me who dat bad ass mo'fo from da mean streets of Chapel Hill waz last night?? Oh, right, it was the Hip Hop Hindu!!!
Anoop, really? REALLY?? I like this kid but hid my eyes at least TWICE when he was trying to look all "thug" and shiz.
Your military gear didn't give you any street cred bro, I mean, let's be honest, WONKA could take you in a street fight for Godsakes.
And what was with that flimsy chain around your arm...I think I bought that on sale at Forever 21 last summer. That thing was janked up! Didn't work for me cuz!

And last but not least, the Moron...I mean, the Mormon.
UGGGG, next to the Tranny, this girl is my most detested...no, I take that back, this girl is the WORST. At least the little crack head has some talent, this girl has nothing..nothing but the love of raaaassssta mon'!
From the back, her hair looked like Randy "The Ram" in "The Wrestler", but the addition of a token "dreadlock" showed she was one with Jah and the people of Kingston, Jah rule! From the second she started singing I couldn't figure out why she was so off key, that is until they panned out on her entire body. Those high waisted pants were giving the poor girl a moose-knuckle the size of the Suez Canal. I don't know if ANYONE could have sang much better with an issue such as that. But as we know, America showed no sympathy and we must now say goodbye and send you back to Papa and your Sister Wives..Good luck!


Have a great weekend all....The Commish