Round 1...Let's Get Stoned

Let me just start off by saying that I, like our fare Idols, need a few entries to get my groove back..Although there are many a nugget in this entry, it's by no means my best work..with that caveat, let us begin!

Let me start with a few quick observations:

-All these peeps have gotten their teeth taken from swamp fangs to chicklets in a matter of two weeks. Remember THIS guy??? It's the Yamin Syndrome.


-Ellen brings nothing to the table...sorry, he doesn't

-Kara thinks she's frickin Barry Gordy...what the hell...what is it with,
"I want you to feel it" EVERY WEEK?? The only thing these poor kids are feeling is the pee running down their leg as they walk out on the stage. shut it Kara!!

First up..Big Mike
Whoa!!! Looks like Dr. Conrad Murray dropped by Burr Oak cemetery, woke Michael Jackson out of his propofol haze, fed him Taco Bell until he gained 320 pounds and had him try out for Idol...Look who showed up at the Kodak Theater on Tuesday night and hit the hell outta those high notes..Sha-mon!

Didi the DoDo...uh, word to the wise, don't sing, don't speak. Can she sound any more like a hill jack muskrat? The deep stares into the camera reminded me of Edward Cullen staring at Bella as she slept...creepy. She is so frickin BORING that I'm done.

Who knew Kelly Bundy would grow up to be an American Idol. Peg's aged a bit but still looks pretty damn good. Of course Miss Texas is safe.

The Latin King:
Waz up cuz!! Whoaaaa, anyone see his wife's shaved scalp, she looks like a member of the Na'Vi...Dios Mios! They are too hard on this kid...I think America likes him so my guess is he's around for awhile.

Portuguese Water Dog who has the skin tone of everyones new teeth. Get this broad some bronzer. Aaaaaaaaaaaaahh!! I nailed it, picture on the wall HAD her in the Brenda hat!!! She took an old song and made it sound like the next big hit on the soft rock station. Good voice but took a GREAT song and Celine Dion-ified it. Judges were nice, I thought it stunk.

Afterthought...Ten kids??? Is his last name Dugger?! He too blew BUT I have a feeling his looks will keep him around for a few more rounds.

Ally Potter... Harry Potter meets Shirley Temple meets Alison "the troll doll" Ihareta..Yep, this year's Glam-bert. Hogwarts called, Harry needs his glasses back before tomorrows Quidditch match.

Convict Ditka..how many weeks till they convince him to get rid of his chin muff?? In three weeks this dude will be hot..mark my words...it's the David Cook syndrome but he is actually cuter to start with. Liked the jacket.

Old age Paige:
Never looked younger or prettier but lets save the daisy dukes for a later date...like 25 lb's down the road date. Great vocal for someone who had lost her voice last week.

The Million Dollar Baby came out swingin', hangin' on for dear life against the Big Boys. First let me say, great kid, great story but he has the sex appeal of, well, a 16 year old BOY. He will stick around for awhile BUT in the end, his David Archuleta schtick will get him booted. Lucky for him he will be wearing his leather shirt to protect his back.

Red Line looked like the fourth member of Hansen growing up. Holy Hell!!

They are already changing her into Idol material by throwing some makeup on her mug..By the end of this thing, those dirty dreads will be gone and she will have a whole new set of dentures. Not going to take much to make her look good, pretty and talented and according to the majority of us, she will be the next Idol or at least in the top 2.

And we say goodbye to Lacey the church going porn star, being sent back to the sticks...I guess people got sick of the breathy, Lilith Fair thing faster than most of us thought. Good luck back in the Ozarks.